Considering Separation in Marriage? The S.M.A.R.T Way to Separate With Purpose

Let’s be real—no one considering separation in marriage set out with this intention. Most married people never hope to go through a separation one day. But after years as a marriage coach (and as someone who’s lived through some seriously rough patches myself), I know it sometimes becomes a necessary conversation. In this episode of the Rebuilding Us Podcast, we walk through when separation is appropriate, how to go about it, and what separation should never be.

I believe with all my heart in fighting for marriage. Shaun and I have been married for 27 years. We’ve been transparent about our journey and, trust me, we’ve faced seasons where divorce was on the table. We even attempted an in-home separation—spoiler alert, it wasn’t exactly a textbook example of how to do it with wisdom or boundaries! That’s why I’m sharing both the lessons I learned the hard way and the best practices I now offer couples walking through this valley.

When Separation in Marriage May Be Necessary

First, let’s get honest about what calls for a separation. Not every marriage crisis deserves one. Through both my experience and my coaching, I see three main situations where separation may be justified. Keep in mind I’m approaching this from a biblical lens.

1. Abuse

If you’re facing any kind of physical abuse, let me be unequivocal: you need to leave. Now. Marriage should never cost you your safety. Exit stage left. As for emotional, verbal, mental, or financial abuse—those are very real, too. If your spouse is cursing you out, calling you names, or making you feel less than, that’s not okay. It may be wise to at least create meaningful space and consider separation as a tool for sanity and safety—but always with the intention of wholeness and healing for both partners.

2. Addiction

Addiction devastates marriages. It could be alcohol, drugs, or even unhealthy relationships with food or other vices. If addictive behaviors repeatedly sabotage your partnership—your spouse is missing work, draining money, or is simply unavailable physically or emotionally—especially when safety is an issue,  a break may be needed. Separation can serve as a boundary and a wake-up call. Is it mandatory? No, but sometimes, especially when all else has failed, it creates the environment needed for true recovery.

3. Adultery

When your spouse has one foot in the marriage and one in another relationship, you cannot build trust. For those couples where one spouse is actively cheating, separation is a reasonable boundary. If, on the other hand, there’s been brokenness, but your spouse is genuinely repentant, you might not always have to separate—it really depends on your needs for healing and how mutual that healing journey is.

Why Separation Won’t “Fix” Everything

Now, hear my heart: I do not believe that apathy, boredom, or weariness are valid reasons to separate. I know those feelings—I’ve lived them! But those are usually signals that deeper growth (and sometimes just grit and new skills) are needed, not an exit plan. Marriage can get monotonous, life can get heavy, and sometimes all you can do is put one faithful foot in front of the other. Just like a weight loss journey: If you quit every time progress stalls, you’ll never get healthy. So don’t leave just because you’re in a slow season. That’s not the moment to bail—it’s the time to dig deeper.

I also can’t get behind the “I need to find myself” narrative. Listen, I got married at 18. Of course I’m not the same person now! That’s the point—we grow within marriage, not by abandoning it. Own who you are, right where you are, with your spouse beside you.

The SMART Way to Separate (If You Must)

If you and your spouse discern that separation is necessary, then do it with purpose. I teach all my clients to use the SMART goal method—yes, the same one you’ve probably heard about in your workplace. Here’s how it applies to separation:

1. Specific – Nail down exactly why you’re separating. If one feels it’s over infidelity and another thinks it’s just to save money, you’re starting in two different directions.
2. Measurable – How will you know when enough progress is made? Set practical metrics (sobriety milestones, consistent counseling attendance, clear accountability around past infidelity, etc.).
3. Attainable – Don’t set impossible standards! If you expect your spouse to completely rebuild trust in two weeks, or never interact with another woman/man again, that’s just unrealistic. Be honest about what’s possible.
4. Realistic – Check that these goals fit real life. Are both of you willing and able to do what’s necessary? If not, no “goal” will save the relationship.
5. Timely – Set a hard timeline! Six months, one year, whatever you decide—be specific and don’t bounce around. Without this, it’s just a slow drift away from each other and toward divorce or stalemates.

Critical Conversations about Separation: Kids, Money, Dating, and Sex

A separation is basically a “soft launch” of divorce unless you’re super intentional. So treat it seriously. Put a plan in place. Talk through—and write down—what needs to happen with:

• Kids: Who do they live with? What about custody, visitation, or even babysitting? Please, don’t separate your children from each other. They’re going through enough already.
• Finances: Are you keeping joint accounts? Moving to your own? How will you handle bills, property, and expenses?
• Dating: My strong advice—just don’t. You’re not divorced yet! Dating others will only complicate (and likely destroy) the road back. Focus on healing what’s between you and your spouse.
• Sex: This confuses a lot of couples. My personal view is that sex during separation muddies the water. It gives a false sense of progress and creates “new” attachments when you’re supposed to be working on other things. If you’re working on the marriage, address those root issues first.

ALSO SEE: Ep. 338: What to Do About Sex After an Affair

My Hope For You

I love marriage. I want you to stick, stay, and fight for yours. Separation should never be the first, second, or even third option—but sometimes, for the sake of your safety or sanity, it may be the only pathway to true healing. If that’s the case, separate with a plan, clear goals, and regular check-ins.

I also see that separation can—if done purposefully—be a step toward a healthier marriage, not just the doorway out. If you need help, listen through the archives, and check out the additional resources listed below.