How Do You Find the “Want to” in Your Marriage?

How do you reconnect emotionally in marriage when the feelings just aren’t there? I’m answering this listener’s question on today’s episode. First, I just have to say how grateful I am for her transparency; I too have walked through seasons in my marriage where I felt disconnected. I’m sure many of you can relate to knowing the right actions to take but not feeling the emotions align with those actions. There were times when I simply didn’t want to do what I knew was right. Over the years, one thing I’ve learned is that actions often lead to feelings, not the other way around. This is called behavioral economics. Emotions are unpredictable, and they shouldn’t drive our decisions.

In fact, I dedicated an entire podcast episode to this concept called “Feelings are Fickle.” It’s something we need to remind ourselves—feelings are vital but shouldn’t be our compass. Instead, we need to let our behavior guide our emotions, believing that consistent loving actions will eventually bring about the feelings we’re longing for.

ALSO LISTEN TO: Ep. 18 – How to Love Your Spouse When You Don’t Like Your Spouse

My Grace is Sufficient for You

A powerful scripture from 2 Corinthians chapter 12 helps guide our conversation as well. Here, Apostle Paul speaks of a thorn in his side, something he pleaded for God to remove. But God’s response was that His grace was sufficient, and His strength is made perfect in weakness. This reminds us that even when emotional capacity feels depleted, divine grace and strength are ever-present.

On a practical note, consider if unresolved feelings like unforgiveness or resentment are interfering with your emotional connection. Just as exercise teaches us that actions lead to a shift in feelings, so can consistent right behavior in marriage cultivate love over time.

Recently, I found myself judging Shaun. He was relaxing while I hustled in the kitchen, and I felt a tad annoyed. I had to pull back and realize he had been working hard for days on end, and my perspective needed adjusting. Like unforgiveness and resentment, judgments, whether small or significant, can hinder emotional connection, and recognizing them allows us to shift our mindset.

Love Beyond Your Comfort Zone

Rest in God’s strength;  call upon His power when facing relational challenges. Choosing to do the right thing, even without immediate benefit, opens us up to God’s favor and approval. Praying for a transformation of the heart is powerful too—it’s about asking God to help us see our spouses through His eyes, which can tenderize our hearts and renew our emotional bond.

To everyone who’s grappling with these feelings, I want you to know that the work you are doing is profound and mature. Stay encouraged, and continue to act in love and faith even when you don’t feel like it. 

Have a relationship or marriage question for the show? Send your email here.

Resources Mentioned in this Episode:

How Connected Are You Really? Take the Quiz and Find Out!

Ep. 80 – Feelings Aren’t Forever

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