Should I Stay or Leave After My Spouse’s Affair? (Healing After Infidelity)

After an affair, most spouses want to know if they should stay or leave their spouse. Infidelity, I know, can be incredibly painful, but it is oh-so-important to discuss. As part of our ongoing miniseries, “Healing After Infidelity,” I’m here to tackle a question that many of you have likely grappled with: “Are you committed to rebuilding your marriage?” Whether you’re in the thick of betrayal or still grappling with the aftermath, I hope to offer guidance and encouragement as you navigate this challenging terrain.

Infidelity, as many of us know, can tear at the very fabric of a relationship, leaving a trail of hurt and confusion. When I think about the conversations I’ve had—whether through coaching or discovery calls—one thing is clear: the question often emerges, “Do I put forth the effort to save my marriage, or is it time to move on?” In this episode, I share five critical questions you need to consider before making such a profound decision.

1. Can I Forgive My Spouse?

I’ve talked extensively about forgiveness because it really is the cornerstone of any path toward healing. It’s essential for your own well-being, whether you choose to work through things with your spouse or decide to move forward on your own. Remember, forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself; it’s about freeing yourself from the chains of the past. If you’re wrestling with how to forgive, I invite you to explore episodes dedicated to this topic on my website. They offer valuable insights into making forgiveness a part of your healing journey.

2. Is My Spouse Truly Repentant?

This is such an important question. Repentance goes beyond merely uttering an apology—it’s about a complete turnaround. If your spouse minimizes their actions or dismisses them as little indiscretions, that’s a red flag. True repentance shows up in consistent, genuine change. Keep an eye out for these clues because they are essential for moving forward. You should not feel guilty or like you’re imposing on your spouse when you question his/her behavior after an affair. A repentant spouse is a humble spouse. 

3. Am I Willing to Do the Work to Rebuild?

Look, I get it. You are the wronged party, and it’s hard to imagine needing to do any of the heavy lifting. But rebuilding any relationship after betrayal involves showing up every single day with intentionality. This is where you reflect on whether you’re willing to participate in the solution. It’s not about casting blame but about knowing that rebuilding takes two committed partners willing to change and grow. 

4. Is My Spouse Willing to Do the Work to Rebuild?

Having an uninvested partner can halt healing right in its tracks. It’s crucial that both you and your spouse are all in, which includes seeking guidance through therapy or coaching. Your spouse needs to be 100% on board, and willing to do whatever it takes to move forward. If they’re not ready to make this commitment, it’s challenging to progress any further.

5. Can I Trust My Spouse Again?

Trust is so delicate. It can be shattered in a moment and take years to rebuild. Ask yourself if you’re open to learning to trust your partner again. With patience and a structured approach, trust can be renewed, but it requires both willingness and time. Rebuilding trust is toward the final stage in rebuilding your marriage and cannot be rushed or forced. But if you are unwilling to learn to trust your spouse again, any efforts to rebuild your marriage will be thwarted. 

Sharing these insights, I aim to help you reflect on whether your marriage has the foundation to be rebuilt. Every relationship is unique, and when both partners are committed, there’s hope for healing and transformation. I encourage you to make decisions based on thoughtful reflection rather than raw emotions—your future deserves that level of consideration.

This episode of the Rebuilding Us Podcast is not just about mending what’s broken; it’s about empowering you with the tools to decide your path forward, be it toward healing or a new chapter. If you’re seeking further support, I recommend checking out the ‘affair recovery checklist’ and other episodes I’ve crafted to aid your healing journey. Remember, friends, you’re not alone in this—support is available to guide you every step of the way. I’m rooting for you.

Resources Mentioned in this Episode:

Healing from Infidelity? Get my “Affair Checklist” to guide you along your journey.

Ep. 102 – 12 Steps to Rebuild Trust in Your Marriage

Ep.236 – What To Do If My Spouse Has Had Multiple Affairs

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