The Intimacy Pyramid After Infidelity – with Matthew & Joanna Raabsmith
Have you ever heard of the intimacy pyramid as a way to help to rebuild trust after an affair? In this episode, I had the privilege of chatting with Matthew and Joanna Raabsmith, an incredible couple who are not only marriage coaches but also have firsthand experience in healing after infidelity. Their journey is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the power of faith and commitment.
Journey through Betrayal
Matthew and Joanna have been married for fifteen years, and they opened up about their experience with infidelity just three and a half years into their union. Matthew bravely shared his struggle with sex addiction, which was primarily linked to pornography. He had been living a double life, trying to maintain a certain image due to his pastoral role. Joanna, on the other hand, found herself in a confusing situation, suspecting something was awry but unable to pinpoint it. Her turning point came during her graduate studies when a pastor’s testimony about overcoming sex addiction resonated deeply with her.
What struck me most was Joanna’s initial response. She approached the situation not with anger but with clarity and support. She gave Matthew the resources he needed to take ownership of his healing journey. It’s such an important reminder that healing from infidelity requires both partners to confront the issues head-on and commit to a path of personal and relational growth.
Coming Clean About Sex Addiction
For Matthew, confessing to Joanna was both a terrifying and liberating experience. He was fearful of losing his family, his ministry, and everything he held dear. However, hearing the story of another pastor who had successfully recovered gave him hope and the courage to step out of the shadows. Acknowledging his unwanted sexual behavior as an addiction was a crucial step. It highlighted the significance of engaging in deep inner work and seeking professional guidance to overcome such strongholds.
The Path of Healing
Joanna’s journey as the betrayed spouse was equally illuminating. Instead of attempting to manage Matthew’s recovery, she chose to focus on her healing, exploring the concept of betrayal trauma. This gave her a greater understanding of the emotional and psychological impact of infidelity. By taking a step back, she allowed Matthew the space to accept responsibility, which is essential for genuine change.
Introducing the Intimacy Pyramid
One of the most insightful tools that emerged from our conversation was the Intimacy Pyramid—a roadmap for rebuilding relationships after betrayal. The foundation is honesty, both self-awareness and transparency with your partner. From there, you can rebuild safety and gradually establish trust. With trust, vulnerability becomes possible, ultimately leading to true intimacy. This progression is so important because it emphasizes that intimacy isn’t just about physical closeness but creating a deep, life-giving connection.
A crucial message from Joanna was the importance of allowing the betraying spouse to undertake their healing journey independently. It was a reminder of the significance of relinquishing control and allowing the person involved to confront their challenges. This approach not only empowers them but also lays a strong foundation for mutual growth. It’s something I’ve seen often: If one partner controls the other’s recovery, it can lead to a dependency that isn’t sustainable.
Don’t Heal Alone
As we wrapped up the episode, the Rabsmiths and I emphasized the importance of seeking help. If you’re dealing with infidelity or addiction, reaching out for professional support and surrounding yourself with a supportive community is crucial. Matthew and Joanna reiterated that help is available and that there’s no need to go through this journey alone.
If you find yourself or someone you know in the throes of infidelity or similar challenges, seek out professionals who specialize in marital recovery. The path ahead can be daunting, but hopefully, the intimacy pyramid will help you to set a plan of action in motion. Remember, you are not alone. There are resources and support systems to guide you.
If the road to recovery seems overwhelming, take heart. With faith, perseverance, and the right support, rebuilding your marriage into something even more beautiful than before is possible.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
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