Are You a Peacemaker or a “Peacefaker”?

Being a peacemaker is one of the greatest qualities to have in a relationship. As the holiday season approaches, many of us are preparing to gather—whether with family, friends or even by ourselves—and the pursuit of peace in our relationships becomes more relevant than ever. Today, let’s pull up a virtual chair around this podcast table and dive into a conversation about the difference between being a peacemaker and a “peacefaker.”

Understanding Peace in Relationships

Depending on your upbringing, you might have been taught that keeping the peace means avoiding conflict at all costs (peacekeeping). You might think that harmony equates to sidestepping disagreements or effectively putting on a brave face despite inner turmoil. However, this perception challenges the true nature of peace and healing in our relationships. Enter the concepts of being a “peacemaker” versus a “peace faker.”

Blessed Are the Peacemakers

In Matthew 5, famously known as the Sermon on the Mount, and more specifically, in the Beatitudes, Jesus states, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” Peacemakers prioritize reconciliation over being right. They focus on mutual understanding and growing genuine connections, rather than merely avoiding conflict. As children of God, we are called to embody and emulate these qualities, seeing God’s divine reflection in our relationships and interactions.

As we gather for with family this holiday season, it can be a melting pot of messy emotions and potential conflicts. Whether you’re looking forward to spending time with your loved ones or dreading extended time with extended family members, it’s important to approach these situations with the mindset of a peacemaker. Remember, every family has some level of dysfunction, and acknowledging this can help you set some realistic expectations.

Peacemaking Doesn’t Mean Passivity

There are significant differences between being a peacemaker and peacefaker. Passivity describes most peacefakers; some are even passive-aggressive. Here are some other areas of distinction: 

• Acknowledging Conflict: Peacemakers recognize and approach conflict as an opportunity for growth and understanding, rather than something to shy away from. Peacefakers, however, tend to deny or minimize conflicts, creating a façade of calm while turmoil brews beneath the surface.
• The End Goal: Peacemakers begin with reconciliation in mind. They prioritize the relationship and mutual respect over proving who is right. On the other hand, peacefakers might feign intimacy and connection, all while suppressing their genuine feelings for the sake of keeping an artificial peace.

ALSO LISTEN TO: Ep. 262 – The Dangers of Artificial Intimacy in Relationships

• Courageous Conversations: Peacemakers engage in conversations that others might find daunting; yet they embrace the courage to speak up despite fear. Peacefakers avoid these conversations, choosing silence over resolution.
• Active Listening: Peacemakers listen intently, seeking to understand the other’s perspective rather than waiting for their turn to speak. Peacefakers may tune out or pretend to listen, showing signs of passive agreement without genuine engagement.
• Understanding Over Agreement: Whereas peacefakers believe agreement is essential for harmony, peacemakers know that understanding is the real bedrock of reconciliation. It’s possible to be at peace even when your opinions differ from the other person’s. Respect is foundational. 

Embracing Conflict as a Strength

Many people mistakenly see conflict as inherently negative; however, conflict can strengthen relationships, much like lifting weights strengthens muscles. When two people face conflict together, it opens avenues for deeper understanding and a stronger bond. Conflict shouldn’t cause you to retreat but should serve as an invitation to draw closer.

Listening and Influencing

True peacemakers learn to master the art of listening. Listening builds influence. Listening is a skill that impacts our relationships greatly. In relationships—whether between spouses, family members, or colleagues—being able to truly hear and acknowledge another’s point of view fosters a foundation of respect, even if your views do not completely align.

As we prepare for our conversations and gatherings this holiday season and beyond, our goal should be to create genuine peace by prioritizing understanding and reconciliation. Sure, some family members might have an arsenal of opinions that seem ready to cause a stir, but meaningful conversations can dismantle misconceptions and bring light to shared values.

So, as you listen to these prompts and ideas, I encourage you to transform them into action. Let them stir you into having courageous conversations and reframing the way you consider peace. Embrace the divine challenge of being a peacemaker and the honor it holds as children of God, living in His love and wisdom.

Resources Mentioned in this Episode: 

Learn About my online course: From Conflict to Connection 

Get your Free Conversation Starters Guide to Bash Conflict 

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