5 Reasons Why Your Marriage is Hard

We’ve all heard it said—marriage is hard. But what is about your marriage that makes it hard work? In this episode, I’m sharing five reasons your marriage may be harder than it should be. Also, can we reframe that belief? What if instead of seeing marriage as hard work, we saw it as heart work?

Understanding the Seasons

Let’s begin by acknowledging a crucial truth: marriage, like life, has its seasons. There are winters in marriage, challenging times when things feel cold and bleak. But just as in nature, these seasons are not permanent. They are growth opportunities, a time to cultivate resilience and adaptability.

Consider how perspective shapes your journey. If you approach marriage (or anything in life) expecting hardship, that’s likely what you’ll find. What you believe is how you will behave. Let’s challenge ourselves to see this important relationship as an adventure requiring heart—a journey of courage, dedication, and steadfastness.

Change Your Perspective About Marriage

Why is it vital to change your perspective? It’s simple: our thoughts profoundly influence our actions. When you view a task as insurmountable, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The same goes for marriage. If we perpetually tell ourselves and others it’s hard, that’s exactly what it will be.

It’s crucial to be mindful of what we vocalize, particularly around our children. Our narratives shape their perceptions. If all they hear is that marriage is hard, it will become their truth too.

ALSO READ: 3 Mindsets to Unlock Resilience and Mental Toughness

Reframing Relationships: Hard Work to Heart Work

Marriage requires heart. It’s the essence of staying committed through decades, continually growing and nurturing love. Just as an athlete trains with resilience despite setbacks, you’ll need to embrace resilience in your relationships. Not every battle will be won, but resilience keeps you in the game.

Resilience allows us to see challenges not as roadblocks but as opportunities and change the lens through which we view our marriages. Take fitness, for example. When you focus on what you can’t do, it’s hard to imagine what you can do. It’s time to turn struggle into strength. Similarly, to have a healthy union, embrace heart work instead of hard work.

Five Reasons Why Marriage Is Hard

Understanding the underlying reasons why your marriage feels hard can be a game changer. Here are five reasons that may resonate with you:

You’re trying to change the wrong person: Often, we attempt to mold our partners into our ideal image. This approach is exhausting and counterproductive. Instead, focus on yourself. How can you become a better partner?

You’re shaky on your commitment: Some may believe they are fully committed, but being all in means dedication even during conflicts. Holding back due to past hurts can create barriers to a truly fulfilling marriage.

You have too many voices speaking to you: Be cautious about whose advice you take. Friends or influences without successful marriage experiences might not offer the best guidance.

You’re relying on your strength alone: Leaning on the Lord, the Source of our spiritual support, is where it’s at. We were never meant to navigate our problems by ourselves. Inviting divine guidance can lift the burden.

You’re focusing on the problems, not the person: Obsessing over issues blinds us to the person we love. When you shift your focus to solutions and shared dreams, you can restore balance to your relationship.

Actionable Steps to Transform Your Marriage

Now that we’ve identified some causes of a difficult marriage, what steps can we take to shift from hard work to heart work?

Step 1 – Guard Your Mind: Be mindful of your thoughts. They shape your reality. Replace negativity with affirmations that honor your marriage and your partner.

Step 2 – Guard Your Media: What we consume influences how we view our relationships. Ensure that the media you engage with builds rather than breaks your relationship.

Step 3 – Guard Your Mouth: The words we speak have power. Speak life into your marriage, reinforcing the positive aspects of your partnership.

Choosing Your Hard

Ultimately, life is full of choices, including doing hard things.

Self-control is hard. Cleaning up after an angry outburst is hard.
Choose your hard.

Patience is hard. Making the wrong decision in haste is hard.
Choose your hard.

Loneliness is hard. Being with someone outside of God’s will is hard.
Choose your hard.

Working on your marriage is hard. Ignoring your marriage is hard.
Choose your hard.

Fighting for a healthy marriage is hard. Divorce is hard.
Choose your hard.

Finally, yes, some seasons will test you, but your marriage is worth your full effort. Choose to see this not as a relentless challenge but as a meaningful journey of heart and growth. Remember, you are not alone. You’re supported and capable of embracing this heart work to build a thriving relationship. Keep choosing growth. Keep choosing love.