Encourage Change in Your Marriage Without Resorting to Complaints

In today’s Q&A episode, I’m addressing a relatable question from Shannon, a listener who feels that her “decent” marriage could use a change, but she doesn’t want to sound like she’s complaining to her husband. After twelve years of marriage and three kids, Shannon is eager to reignite the spark in her marriage but finds communication challenging when her husband perceives her concerns as complaints.

The Question: My name is Shannon. I love listening to your podcast. I’ve shared it with so many of my coworkers and family members. My husband and I have been married for 12 years. Our marriage is decent, but I get the feeling that he’s not that into me anymore. I’ve had 3 kids, and it might just be my own insecurities. Things are just okay. Whenever I try to bring this up to him, he gets irritated and accuses me of complaining. I just want our marriage to be all that it can be. How do I get him to change without seeming like I am complaining? 

Change Your Marriage in 3 Steps

Here’s the marriage advice I give Shannon broken into three main parts:

1. Identify the Change: I encourage Shannon and all of my listeners to be specific about what needs to change in their marriage. Blanket statements can be perceived as complaints. Identifying specific expectations, desires, and areas for improvement can lead to more constructive and effective discussions.
2. Self-Reflect: It’s easy to focus on changing your spouse, but I believe it’s more important to focus on yourself (self-reflection). I suggest Shannon consider what part she can play in creating the marriage she desires by evaluating her own actions and getting involved with like-minded individuals (like Thrive Wives) who are also working on their marriages.
3. Effective Communication: I introduce a concept called the “I Wish Voyage” conversation starter as a non-accusatory way to express desires in marriage. By framing conversations around shared goals and visions, couples can foster more engaging and positive communication.

Upcoming Event:

• Wives Workshop
  Wives, join my upcoming workshop, where we’ll cover three keys to getting unstuck in marriage. Find more details and register for the Wives Workshop here.

Connect with Dana:

• Have a relationship question you’d like answered on the show? Submit your questions to danache.com/contact.

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• Heart to Heart Conversation Starters for Couples in Conflict
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