Lopsided Libido – How to Deal with Different Sex Drives
Do you and your spouse have different sex drives? Does one spouse want sex way more often than the other? Many married couples have different sexual desires. This episode will help you to communicate effectively about those differences and create a sex life you both enjoy. The first thing you need to know is that having different sexual desires is normal. Most married couples deal with this. There is nothing wrong with you or your marriage. The problem begins when you try to make your spouse’s sex drive match yours.
Last year, I taught a class called Wife Life: What Your Man Wished You Knew. One of the ladies in the class expressed that she was the one with the higher sex drive, not her husband. As a matter of fact, her husband rarely initiated sex. This left her feeling isolated and hurt. I would bet most spouses have little idea of the pain they cause their partner when they don’t properly communicate their sexual needs (or lack thereof). This is why this episode focuses heavily on how to communicate with your spouse about your sexual needs.
Feeling Obligated to Have Sex?
Here’s the deal. No one should feel obligated to have sex. Nope, not even married people. Sex is a privilege. It’s not a right you demand. Sheila Wray-Gregoire talked about marital consent on Episode 24: Redefining Sex, Rethinking Intimacy. You shouldn’t view sex as a “have to,” but a “get to.” When you feel obligated to have sex, you kill the mood. It’s not a beautiful exchange or an intimate connection at that point.
Instead of treating sex like a chore, think creatively about how to increase your desire. Some things you may want to consider are:
- Taking a hot bath (even better if you do it together with your spouse)
- Preparing the room for your experience
- Lighting candles, spraying your favorite scents in the room
- Tidying up your bedroom (if that’s where the action is going to go down)
- Talking about sex with your spouse
- Role-playing. Get creative!
When you decide to “just do it,” like I talked about in the Maintenance Sex episode, you’ll find the more you have sex, the more you’ll want to have sex.
The Downside of Sexual Rejection
When you (or your spouse) reject sex, it can cause damaging effects on your relationship. No one wants to feel rejected, especially in the vulnerable area of our sexuality. Saying no too often leads to:
- Feelings of rejection/not being wanted
- Insecurity
- Depression
- Loneliness
- Isolation
- Temptation (looking outside the marriage)
Although you and your spouse may have different sex drives, you need to be on the same page concerning how you’ll handle the deficit. This is where Scriptures like “Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others” come into play (Philippians 2:4). Love is selfless. It is always seeking the good of the other.
The next time you’re tempted to battle over your different sex drives, try to connect over your conflict instead.
Resources:
How to Cope with Different Libidos in Marriage by Dr. Jessica McCleese
Learn to Communicate Better About Sex – Marriage Coaching by Dana Che
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