Love is Not Proud or Passive (Love Is… Series) – with Chris and Jamie Bailey
Continuing with the Love is series, I had the honor of chatting with Christian marriage counselors Chris and Jamie Bailey of Expedition Marriage. Chris and Jamie have been married over 27 years, but their journey hasn’t always been easy. In today’s conversation we talk about taking responsibility for your baggage. If we are always looking at our spouse as the problem, it will cause friction in our marriages and relationships. This doesn’t allow us to love freely and be fully supported in our partnerships. We go on to discuss how love is not proud or passive. They are two opposite extremes that show up in a lot of marriages.
Pride destroys, and passivity can cause resentment in our marriages. The solution is that we must learn to allow each other’s voice to be heard without resorting to either extreme.
How to Support and not Compete
It’s important for couples to understand the amount of refinement that comes with marriage. It takes work y’all! It is a learned skill to learn how to support and encourage each other without competing with each other. Jamie said, “I learned that my job and my success is helping him become what God created him to be. Success looks different in marriage. It’s the goal of becoming one and looking out for each other. When you bring pride into that, it’s one looking out for themselves.”
It feels so good when we can support our partners fully and help them become a better person and better partner. Chris said,“Next to God, your partner should be your most impactful resource. When you are able to be there and support your partner, you can celebrate your wins together.” That’s what it means to support one another without competing.
Self-Protection vs Vulnerability in Marriage
Many couples are dealing with a fear of disconnection. At times, we are afraid of our emotions and how these emotions will affect our partners. Often, we quiet ourselves in order to keep the peace, but this quieting can cause bigger issues down the road. Jamie said, “It’s not peace making; it’s ’peace faking.’”
Chris added, “It’s fear of disconnection, fear of losing the relationship, fear of I am not enough as I am. If she knew my real answers, I wouldn’t be enough, and now I’m vulnerable. It takes vulnerability to speak your truth and puts you in a situation where loss could happen.” Men like to feel strong and have their protective barrier even though that protection may not always be giving the desired outcome.
Pride vs Passivity
It’s interesting how we are contrasting pride and passivity. Love is not proud but neither is love passive. Many men fall into passivity trying to appease their wives. But strong women need (and want!) strong men. Strong women want a man who can lead without being proud or arrogant but also one who will listen, support, and build with her. Chris talked about how he was raised in a house where his father leaned more toward passivity than pride. For some men with similar experiences, this can make them passive as well. Neither extremes are helpful.
Doormat or Jerk
Chris said, “Many men think they only have two choices: being a doormat or being a jerk.” Men think, if I stand up and push back, that will come across as being a jerk. Sometimes men think it’s either one or the other. You’re either falling in the tracks of toxic masculinity or you’re a doormat. The beautiful thing about marriage and relationships is that it does not have to be one or the other with healthy communication. Love is not proud or passive. It’s about finding the middle ground to make your marriage or relationships flow easily. When one partner feels as if their voice isn’t being heard, it can cause resentment, control, and domination.
Both Partners Matter in Marriage
Both people should have the ability to show up fully as they are and allow each other the opportunity to manage their emotions. We need to feel confident in showing up as ourselves and knowing and believing that our partner will accept us the way that we are. It takes work and healing in the marriage to get to that point, but it’s possible. When you see yourself on the same team, rather than as competition, you are able to work together and have a beautiful and successful marriage.
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