Five Decisions Spouses Should NOT Make After an Affair

When you find out about an affair, there are some things you should NOT do. The aftermath of infidelity in marriage is painful to say the least. Chances are you, or someone you know, is dealing with the fallout of an affair. Whether you’re the betrayed or the betrayer, or if you’re simply offering support to a loved one, this episode aims to provide practical guidance on navigating this tumultuous time.

It’s critical to acknowledge the emotional upheaval that accompanies the revelation of an affair. You’re likely to experience a whirlwind of emotions—disappointment, fear, shame, anger, and sorrow, to name a few. Instead of avoiding these feelings, it’s important to validate these feelings. It’s perfectly normal to feel like a stranger to your own emotions. The key is recognizing that your marriage has suffered significant trauma, which requires both patience and understanding. 

Let’s discuss the five critical decisions both the betrayed spouse and the unfaithful spouse should avoid making after infidelity comes to light.

Five Decisions the Betrayed Spouse Should Avoid

For the wounded, or betrayed, spouse, here’s a roadmap of what not to do in the wake of infidelity:

1. Do Not Blame Yourself

It’s imperative to understand that the affair is not your fault. While you may have contributed to marital issues, the decision to engage in an affair rests solely with your spouse. Avoid accepting blame or responsibility for their actions.

2. Do Not Isolate Yourself

In times of crisis, the natural inclination may be to retreat into solitude. Avoid this tendency. It’s important to surround yourself with a supportive “A-Team.” These are trusted individuals who can offer the encouragement and perspective you need to get through this challenging time.

3. Do Not React in Anger

Anger is a valid emotion, but reacting impulsively can lead to decisions you may later regret. Whenever possible, avoid making rash decisions while you’re still in the grips of grief. There’s no urgency to make life-altering choices immediately.

4. Avoid Making Promises or Decisions

Similar to the point above, this is not the time to make binding promises or definitive decisions about the future of your relationship. Give yourself the grace to process emotions before deciding on your next steps.

5. Do Not Ask TMI Questions

While the urge to know every detail of the affair may be strong, be careful about gathering or asking for too much information. Graphic details can create images that are hard to forget and may hinder the healing process down the line. Ask only for the information necessary to aid in your recovery.

What About the Unfaithful Spouse? The unfaithful spouse has their own set of pitfalls to avoid Here are five decisions for those who have strayed from their vows to avoid:

Five Decisions the Unfaithful Spouse Should Avoid

1. Do Not Blame Your Spouse

Taking full responsibility for your actions is paramount. Blaming your spouse or external factors  (like the affair partner, your upbringing, or unmet needs) won’t aid in rebuilding the relationship. If anything, it may damage it further. Accept that these are choices you made and own them fully.

2. Do Not Continue Communicating with the Affair Partner

It’s vital to sever ties completely with the individual you had the affair with. Continuing communication only complicates the path to reconciliation. You cannot “work on your marriage’ when a third party is in the mix. 

3. Avoid Buying Gifts as Quick Fixes

In an attempt to mend fences, you might feel the urge to shower your partner with gifts. Let me caution you against this, as gifts can come off as insincere when your partner is seeking substantial emotional and relational repair. The only gifts you should be giving is the gift of trust and a restored marriage. 

4. Do Not Make Rash Promises

Just like the wounded spouse, avoiding grand promises is critical. Instead of sweeping declarations, focus on consistent actions that demonstrate your commitment to mending the marriage.

5. Don’t Try to Fix Your Marriage Alone

Navigating through infidelity isn’t a solo endeavor (or a DIY project). Seek professional help—be it coaching or counseling—to steer your relationship toward healing. Trying to DIY this process can lead to more harm than good.

Rebuilding Trust and Moving Forward

The journey to healing is neither quick nor easy, but it is possible. You have the capability to overcome this challenging chapter. By avoiding these five decisions and seeking the right support, you lay the groundwork for rebuilding trust and possibly even emerging stronger than before.

Resources Mentioned in this Episode:

Register for my upcoming masterclass: Beyond Betrayal

Want to go deeper? Learn more about my Infidelity Intensive Course

Ep. 334 – Our Advice to the Unfaithful Spouse – with Shaun Williams

Like this episode? Be sure to give it a five-star rating and write a great review!

Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/

Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.