Our Advice to the Unfaithful Spouse – with Shaun Williams (Healing After Infidelity)
When an unfaithful spouse is discovered to have had an affair, there are certain things they need to do to repair the breach if they want to rebuild their marriage. My hubby, Shaun, is back on the podcast and is sharing his insights, as a former unfaithful spouse, and our journey through our season of infidelity. As ones who have walked this path, we want to offer guidance, especially to those who broke their marriage vows, and who might be facing this storm.
1. Acknowledge and Take Responsibility
The very first step for anyone who has been unfaithful is acknowledging what happened and taking full responsibility. This means stating clearly that the affair was wrong, without any “buts” or excuses. It doesn’t matter if you felt misunderstood or if there were issues in your marriage—making excuses only stands in the way of genuine repentance and healing. Acknowledgment must be sincere, accepting the wrong without trying to justify it. Also, be careful not to blame the wounded spouse. It’s interesting how often unfaithful spouses try to justify their actions by blaming their poor decisions on their wounded spouse’s shortcomings. It’s critical to know that acknowledgment must be unqualified and without excuses.
2. Seek Professional Help
Once you’ve acknowledged the affair, it’s crucial to seek professional help. Shaun strongly recommends individual therapy and not dragging your spouse into couples therapy or marriage coaching right away. He believes it is important to focus on figuring out your issues within yourself first. Shaun and I know from experience that you need to dig deep and uncover any personal issues or past traumas that might have contributed to the affair. Individual coaching or therapy can provide a safe space to explore these areas and help aid your personal growth and healing. Other couples find exploring marriage coaching or therapy together right away a good next step. There is a difference between marriage coaching and marriage counseling. What’s important is that whatever professional you work with is skilled at helping couples walk through the practical steps of rebuilding a marriage after infidelity.
3. Cut Off the Affair Partner
It might seem like common sense, but cutting all ties with the affair partner is absolutely necessary. This is non-negotiable. Whether it’s changing jobs, moving, or altering your lifestyle, you must remove the other person from your life entirely. Shaun made significant life changes, including a career shift, to demonstrate his commitment to our marriage. It is this level of dedication that begins to truly rebuild trust. Prepare to be inconvenienced. It is the cost of being unfaithful to your spouse.
4. Unfaithful Spouses Should Exercise Patience
Rebuilding your marriage is a journey that requires time—lots of it. This is a marathon, not a sprint! There is no rushing the process, and it’s essential to have patience. Progress is often slow and involves many ups and downs. It’s important not to impose artificial timelines on when healing should happen, especially if you are the unfaithful spouse. Regular communication with your spouse, check-ins, and consistent efforts are vital as both partners engage in their healing process. Do not demand that your spouse “hurries up and gets over it.” A major trauma has happened in your marriage, and the unfaithful spouse would be wise to allow time to be patient. Time does not heal all wounds, but it sure helps to expedite the healing process.
5. Commit to Doing the Work
Trust isn’t rebuilt through mere intention; it requires active and intentional work. Shaun and I had to start from scratch, and he essentially began to date me all over again—learning my likes, dislikes, and getting to know me afresh. This work isn’t easy, but it’s necessary. Commit to rebuilding every part of your marriage, earning trust, and deepening your emotional awareness and intimacy. Commit to investing in your marriage with fresh dedication and an open heart.
I know firsthand that rebuilding a marriage post-infidelity is daunting. But when you commit to honesty, steward your own personal growth, work toward clear communication, and have a focused determination, anything is possible! You just might emerge stronger than before. This journey redefines what “normal” means in your relationship. Though difficult, it has the potential to lead to a richer and more resilient marriage.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Sign up for my FREE Masterclass: Beyond Betrayal: 3 Keys to Healing After Infidelity
Learn more about my online course, Infidelity Intensive
Ep. 326: Why Did This Happen? Healing After Infidelity
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