How to Be Intimate When I’m Not Attracted to My Husband
A truly sensitive yet relatable marriage topic is what to do when you’re just not attracted to your spouse. It can be embarrassing to admit to ourselves, much less talk about it openly, but it’s necessary if we want to find solutions and improve our intimacy.
A listener reached out to me, sharing her struggle. She explains that despite taking care of her own appearance, her husband has gained weight, which has affected her physical attraction to him. She has moments when she can overlook his flaws, but the inconsistency in attraction makes sustaining intimacy challenging. She wants to know how to continue keeping her husband sexually satisfied even when she’s not feeling that attracted to him.
In response, I explore several avenues to help address the concerns of not being attracted to your spouse by digging to find the cause of her unattractiveness, having a courageous conversation with her husband, seeking help from the Lord, putting herself in remembrance of her husband’s strengths, and “making love” where love doesn’t seem to exist.
Emotional Connection and Resentment
For most women, emotional intimacy is critical to physical connection. Could unresolved conflicts and resentments be contributing to these feelings of unattractiveness? Many marriages are suffering from resentment and don’t realize it. I encourage examining one’s feelings honestly to identify potential resentments; addressing them is key to rekindling attraction and then choosing to have open, honest conversations with your spouse can open the door to resolving underlying issues. Approaching these conversations as a team — focusing on “we” rather than “you” — can help foster a sense of partnership and cooperation.
Self-Reflecting Prayer
As a woman of faith, I cannot overstate the importance of prayer in changing our hearts and perspectives. I, too, went through a season where I wasn’t feeling loving feelings toward my husband, Shaun. Prayer helped me shift my focus from his flaws to developing a sense of genuine love again. It’s okay to ask God to change your spouse. But be sure to ask him to change your heart, too. When you pray, you allow the real causes for not being attracted to your spouse to surface. These causes can be lost amidst the busyness of life and general neglect of the real issues of conflict in our marriages.
Positive Affirmations and Appreciation
I suggest focusing on the virtues and qualities that initially fostered love and attraction. Actively recognizing and appreciating the positive aspects of your spouse can help shift focus from negativity and slowly rebuild feelings of connection and attraction. This might sound unconventional, but when you view sexual intimacy as a form of “ministry” within your marriage, it shifts your perspective significantly. Sex should be seen as more than a physical activity; it’s a critical element that fortifies and strengthens the marriage bond.
Remember, love and attraction are choices. They aren’t just feelings that happen; they require active commitment and intention. By addressing emotional disconnect, maintaining open communication, appreciating your spouse, and praying that God will soften your heart, I believe that spouses can overcome their challenges related to physical attraction.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Ep. 310 – 5 Types of Intimacy Your Marriage Can’t Live Without
Get My Free “Conversation Starters” for Couples in Conflict
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