4 Expectations Every Marriage Should Have – Mark & Jill Savage
Expectations play a vital role in shaping marriages. In part two of my conversation with Mark and Jill Savage, we explore how four marriage expectations can set a couple up for success. Expectations will either bring two people closer together or create a rift between them. This is why it’s important to learn to manage expectations within marriage. As a marriage coach, I’ve had the privilege of excavating the intricacies of marriages that, at their core, are molded by the expectations we hold. The Savages and I share personal experiences from our marriage journies of rebuilding after infidelity. Listen and learn how understanding and realigning expectations can greatly impact and enhance your marriage.
Setting the Stage for Real Expectations
I kicked off the conversation with a truth that resonated deeply with me: the root of bitterness in relationships often lies in unmet expectations. We step into marriage with dreams and ideals, but when reality doesn’t align, disappointment sets in. For Mark and Jill, this misalignment of marriage expectations came to a head after 26 years of marriage with Mark’s affair. It was a wake-up call, a reminder that sometimes, we must confront the silent disappointments to rebuild stronger.
Marriage Expectations: Reflections and Red Flags
As I talked to Mark, he shared how his journey was shaped by a loss of identity—trying to mold himself into what others expected rather than who he truly was. His anxious attachment and unrealistic expectations of both Jill and his spiritual life had created an internal conflict he didn’t even recognize until it was too late. This was a lesson that struck a chord with me—we must always be vigilant and introspective to understand our own emotional triggers and misconceptions.
The Savages taught me that marriage expectations require careful calibration. We must learn to expect conflict and disappointment as natural parts of a relationship. Conflict, as Jill eloquently stated, is “growth trying to happen.” It isn’t a sign of failure but rather an opportunity to deepen understanding and resilience. This perspective echoed my belief that every challenge encountered in a relationship is a stepping stone to personal and collective growth.
Continuing Investing in Marriage
One of the biggest takeaways from my conversation with Mark and Jill was the emphasis on continuing education and constant investment in marriage. It’s ironic how readily we invest in our careers or children’s activities, yet often overlook the importance of investing in our lifelong partnership. The Savages’ story of using games and exploratory conversations to discover new facets about each other even after 41 years inspired me to continually seek new ways to connect with Shaun.
Jill referred to our upbringing as an “internship.” This metaphor resonated with me because it highlights the various communication and relational skills—or lack thereof—that we inherit from our family of origin. Recognizing which inherited patterns serve our marriage well and which need re-education is important. This approach isn’t about blaming the past but understanding it so that we can intentionally shape a better future in our marriage and families.
Spiritual Marriage Expectations and Realities
Another dimension we explored was spiritual marriage expectations. I shared a personal story about expecting Shaun to conform to my spiritual ideals. In doing so, I often overlooked the unique strengths he brought into our relationship. Embracing our partner’s distinct spiritual journey is key to fostering trust and connection, a lesson that I continually remind myself of in my own marriage.
During the episode, the Savages spoke about the importance of distinguishing between realistic and unrealistic expectations, drawn from their book No More Perfect Marriages. Discontentment, they explained, thrives in the gap between high expectations and reality. By closing this gap, we reduce discord and promote contentment within the relationship. Mark and Jill’s journey reinforced the power of grace and forgiveness in managing disappointments, serving as a powerful reminder that our partners are human, full of both flaws and virtues.
A Call to Introspect and Connect
As I wrapped up the episode, I urged listeners, and even myself, to take a closer look at the marriage expectations we hold. Are these expectations fueling dissatisfaction, or are they fostering a deeper connection? It’s crucial to bring any unspoken expectations into the light and to initiate conversations that drive understanding and clarity.
Personal growth within a relationship requires intentionality. Through realistic expectations, vocal communication, and the granting of grace, we can transform our relationships into thriving, loving partnerships.
Conclusion
The conversation with Mark and Jill Savage served as a powerful reminder of the pivotal role expectations play in marriage. Through their insights, I was encouraged to embrace conflict, welcome disappointment as a teacher, and continually invest in the growth of my relationship. By addressing expectations head-on with clarity and grace, we not only rebuild but also fortify the foundation of our marriages.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get my free Ultimate Couples Checklist to start building more intimacy in your marriage.
Learn more about Mark and Jill Savage‘s marriage resources
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