How to Connect to a Spouse Who Shows No Emotion

Have you ever felt like your spouse was a shell of a person and you couldn’t emotionally connect to him/her? I’m addressing a pressing concern shared by a listener, Breanne, and many couples – the struggle of feeling emotionally disconnected in their marriage or relationship. Many in similar situations will resonate deeply with this discussion.

Breanne’s question sheds light on a common problem: feeling like you’re in a marriage with a spouse who shows no emotion. This issue often stems from deeper, perhaps unaddressed, matters within a person’s emotional quotient. Emotional detachment isn’t just a communication problem; it often signifies a connection issue. To tackle this, it’s best to create a safe environment for the spouse to start opening up.

Steps to Take When a Spouse Shows No Emotion

• • Create a Safe Environment:

    I address the importance of creating a space where couples feel safe to share their emotions. Understanding your spouse’s background and upbringing can be a good starting point and offer insight into their emotional responses. For instance, asking gentle questions about their upbringing and how emotions were handled in their childhood can provide insights. However, it’s important to approach such questions with sensitivity to avoid overwhelming or causing your spouse to feel “uncovered.”

  • Meet Him Where He Is:

    Engaging in activities your spouse or partner enjoys can naturally open the door to deeper conversations and connection. I parallel this to play therapy, where therapists engage with children using toys to help them express themselves. Similarly, partners can engage in activities that your spouse enjoys. Whether it’s playing sports, working on a project around the house, or simply going for a walk, these shared experiences can lay the groundwork for deeper emotional connections.

  • Lead with Vulnerability:

    By sharing your own struggles and vulnerabilities, you can encourage your spouse to do the same because a fundamental part of creating an emotional connection is showing vulnerability. Open up about your feelings and fears, modeling the behavior you wish to see in your spouse. By sharing personal experiences and emotions, you create an opportunity for your partner to reciprocate.

    Men, in particular, might feel a strong need to project strength and might be hesitant to show vulnerability. By leading with your own vulnerabilities, you demonstrate that it’s safe for them to lower their guard as well.

  • Affirm Small Steps:

    When your spouse begins to show vulnerability, no matter how small, it’s wise to affirm and encourage this behavior. For instance, if he/she shares a concern about work, instead of glossing over it, acknowledge their feelings and offer supportive affirmations. This positive reinforcement can build trust and encourage more open communication in the future. Acknowledging and affirming small instances of vulnerability can help build trust.

Have a marriage-related question for the show? Send your questions here or DM on Instagram. 

Links and Resources:

Take the “How Connected Are You Partner Quiz”

ALSO LISTEN TO Ep. 254- Steps to Take When Your Spouse is Emotionally Distant

Tune in next week for another episode of relationship insights and advice!

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