7 Traits to Create Resilient Relationships

I was recently asked by a group what the number one trait I wish this generation possessed more of. Without hesitation, I said resilience. In today’s culture, it’s as if resilience, especially resilient relationships, has taken a backseat. Our relentless quest to ensure a better life for our children, protecting them from our past mistakes, has inadvertently left them unprepared for life’s inevitable setbacks. This lack of resilience isn’t just an issue for the younger generation; it permeates our adult lives and relationships. If adversity strikes a marriage, the initial responses often lean toward divorce or separation without much thought about weathering the storm. We see it in our relationships—often, they crumble at the first sign of trouble instead of growing stronger.

What is Resilience?

Remember that toy from our childhood days—that inflatable doll weighted at the bottom? You would punch it, and it would bounce right back. That’s resilience—the ability to withstand difficulties, bounce back, and return even stronger, wiser, and better than before. Resilience is about turning hardships into stepping stones.

Not everyone who faces hardship develops resilience; many become bitter and disillusioned. Resilience isn’t automatic; it’s born from enduring difficulties and learning from them. As we look at marriage and life, it’s crucial to understand that resilience isn’t about never facing challenges; it’s about facing them, growing through them, and becoming better because of them.

My Journey to a Resilient Marriage

Having been married for 25 years, my husband Shaun and I have faced numerous marriage problems. From infidelity and financial crises to family losses and parenting struggles, we’ve endured it all. If you’ve followed our journey, you know that these challenges have fortified our resilience in profound ways.

Hindsight offers you the wisdom to appreciate the growth that challenges offer. However, if given the chance, there are things I would change about the past—I recognize the resilience our trials have built in us. You may have a similar story; take a moment to reflect on how your experiences have shaped you today, and how they’ve helped you to create resilient relationships.

Resilience can also be learned by observing others. Take my mom, for example. Growing up in a dysfunctional family and becoming a mother at 16, she managed to overcome adversity with incredible resilience. She graduated high school, went on to college, and steered her life in a direction so different from the one expected of her. Her story is a constant reminder that overcoming setbacks is indeed possible.

When hardships strike, we face a choice: succumb to the challenges or rise above them like a phoenix from the ashes. In the Bible, Isaiah 41:10 offers a beautiful promise – God is with us, strengthening us, and holding us up when we feel we can’t stand on our own.

The 7 C’s: Tools for Building Resilient Relationships

Building resilience is akin to developing a skill—resilience is a learned skill! Dr. Kenneth Ginsberg, a noted professor of pediatrics, created the 7 C’s of resilience to guide us:

Competence: Having the ability to effectively handle situations gives you confidence to face adversity.

Confidence: Believing in your capabilities to overcome challenges. Confidence stems from competence—knowing you can tackle tough situations.

Connection: Establishing strong ties with others provides a support system. Whether it’s a community of friends or loved ones, connection strengthens resilient relationships.

Character: The moral standard by which you live. It’s who you are when no one’s watching, helping you to navigate life’s challenges with integrity.

Contribution: Recognizing that you have something valuable to contribute, whether it’s to your relationship or the wider world, enhances your sense of purpose.

Coping: Mastering healthy coping mechanisms to handle stress and pain is crucial. Rather than numbing the pain, developing good coping strategies builds strength.

Control: Realizing that some aspects of life are within your control. Developing self-control (one of the fruits of the Spirit) ensures you approach life’s uncertainties with a clearer mind.

The journey to resilience isn’t walked alone. I can’t emphasize the power of community—of connection—enough. Each of us has something to contribute, a unique gift or perspective. Importantly, in a supportive environment, individual and collective resilience blooms.

Learning and Growing Through Resilient Relationships

Let us not forget, that resilience is not about perfection. It’s about getting back up when life knocks you down. For those contemplating divorce, grappling with a difficult relationship, or feeling lost in their journey, resilience offers hope. Your relationship may have challenges but envision the hidden potential beneath the struggle.

Consider this an open invitation to assess your life and relationships. Are they built on a firm foundation of resilience? Take encouragement from Isaiah 41:10, knowing that God upholds you with His strength.

As we work to build resilient relationships, let us be proactive, not reactive. Let’s develop strong community ties, learn to control our reactions, and cope with life’s inevitable hardships gracefully.

In closing, I urge you to cultivate the seven character traits mentioned above. They are interwoven into building and nurturing resilient relationships.

Resources Mentioned in this Episode: 

Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg’s book: Raising Resilient Children and Teens 

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