What’s Your Fighting Style?
Conflict is a normal and healthy aspect of any relationship. So we don’t have to be afraid of it anymore. We don’t have to run away from conflict. We don’t have to pretend that it’s not there. We don’t have to try to dress it up as something else. It is what it is. However, conflict is not fighting.
When we “fight,” we all have a fighting style that’s our go-to approach to handling conflict. When I’m saying fighting for the sake of this episode, I’m not talking about “throwing blows.” I’m talking about how you deal with conflict. When something arises in your relationship and you disagree with your partner, you’re having conflict, that conflict then turns into more of just a disagreement, but you’re almost at a stalemate. How do you handle that? What is your fighting style?
Three Fighting Styles
The three specific styles are as follows: attack-attack, attack-defend, and silent-silent. In the attack-attack style, both partners are on the attack and cannot hear each other, making it impossible to solve problems and leading to a destructive cycle. In the attack-defend style, one partner is attacking and the other is defending themselves, creating a tit-for-tat dynamic that is not productive in resolving the underlying issues. In the silent-silent style, both partners avoid confrontation altogether and allow issues to fester and grow.
Why Does Love Feel Like a Battlefield?
You are never going to find the solution to whatever the situation is because if you’re spending so much time attacking one another. It’s almost like you are in a battlefield. You’ve now become an enemy, a combatant of your partner. Years ago, singer Jordin Sparks actually wrote a song called Battlefield. Here are some of the lyrics of this song . . . See if you can relate.
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield?
You know that song so this is how it goes. Okay.
Don’t try to explain your mind
I know what’s happening here
One minute it’s love and suddenly it’s like, love is a battlefield.
One word turns into a war.
Why is it that the smallest things tear us down?
My world’s nothing when you’re gone.
I’m out here without a shield.
Can’t go back now.
I never meant to start a war.
You know I never want to hurt you.
Don’t even know what we’re fighting for.
Why does love always feel like a battlefield?
Why does love always feel like a battlefield in your relationship? You feel like there is nothing that you do, nothing that you say is going to make a difference because your spouse is looking at you as the enemy. Or, you see your partner as the enemy.
Break Free From Fighting
To break out of these fighting styles, one person in the relationship must wave the white flag and prioritize the relationship over being right. Remember, your partner is not the problem; the problem is the problem. You are on the same team! By taking a step back and examining the real issue, couples can work together to find a solution.
In order to move forward from fighting, couples must reframe the way they approach conflict. Instead of seeing it as a competition or an opportunity to prove who is right, couples should view it as a chance to grow and strengthen their relationship. If necessary, couples should take a “time-out” during particularly heated moments to allow both parties to cool down and come back to the conversation from a calmer and more rational place.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Episode 87: The Silent Treatment vs Arguing
Register for the upcoming Thrive Wives workshop
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